Part of Streetwalker played by Undercover Shoveler

Okay, I’ll admit it. I am a bit of a junkie for horrible, cheesy, soul-destroying cable television. Arch and exploitive crime shows that highlight inconceivable crimes, the odd kidnapping, forensics, well, these are among the favorites before which I kneel, guiltily. If you met me on the street, you would never guess this unsavory fact about my use of valuable spare time. You would not instantly, or remotely, conjure an image of this tall, willowy woman folding herself into a sea of linen and dogs, lit only by the gray flicker of televised murder and mayhem littered with more mullets and belly-shirts than one could possibly imagine. Yet, there it is, the truth in all its unsightly glory.

One thing that has always nagged at me is, who are the “actors” procured for these reenactments? I know that a fair amount of these people, particularly the cops and doctors, play themselves, but what of the rest? Is there some sort of niche agency for ugly people that exclusively traffics in reenactment actors and talk-show guests? For example, on a recent episode of a cold case program, there was an unwieldy and overweight woman hunkered down at a bank during a robbery – she of the raggedy waist-length hair, disconcertingly bifurcated by 7-inch half-permed with two-tone roots, which had clearly remained unwashed for a significant period of time – was she playing herself? If not, does she fancy herself a professional actress? If so, how did she get this gig? I shudder at the mental picture of her go-sees and the potentially awkward audition process. I mean, would she be waiting in line at the casting call for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, while all the other hopefuls wondered (some aloud) if the producer’s crystal meth dealer got caught in the wrong line?

All I know is, I want in. I have to do one of these shows, just once. There are no delusions of grandeur clouding my dreams here. I aspire to nothing overtly big, no starring role as the Prime Suspect, or the Glamorous Victim With the Sordid Past, or the Sexy Black Widow on the Run.

Oh no.

I would be perfectly happy as the loopy witness with an uneven accent, the bucktoothed neighbor with the cockeyed kids, the lazy, alcoholic, tramp cousin, the halting and obtuse patrol cop or even the discreetly posed corpse. No nudity though unless my privates are obscured by an overgrown shrub, or hidden from view by a filthy dumpster in a Popeye’s parking lot. Hmmm, interesting career direction to consider. Moonlighting, perhaps?

Questions, questions! Does one need a SAG card? How much would it pay (I’m guessing it’s somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 - $200 a pop or, more likely, just free Craft Services for the afternoon)? Also, if you are booked on the Jerry Springer show as a dim-witted honky from the sticks who inadvertently married her brother/son and now happen to be pregnant with a genetic time-bomb, would this be a conflict of interest if you had recently appeared on Forensic Files as the scorned mistress who hired a handyman to chop up her lover in a bathtub with a pick-ax, and turn him into meatsicles? I would speculate that it might depend on the talent of the person or persons responsible for the hair/makeup/wigs or, at the very least, one’s dialect coach. Oh, and there is something else.

One of the unfortunate side effects of watching these crime shows incessantly is an alarming tendency to “speak the language” of the “authorities” and various “experts.” One starts to say things like, “I’ll wait over here with the bags until the scene has been fully secured, and you have successfully exited the vehicle,” upon exiting said vehicle, and waiting for one's boyfriend to park the car in front of one’s apartment. However, you know you have gone too far, when you pull out the yellow police tape and cordon off the area until said boyfriend arrives, nonplussed, to find you picking up lint with the back of a dampened envelope flap.

Hey, as long as during private, sexy time he doesn’t ask you to “reenact” the corpse you "played" on the last episode of Cold Case, then I don’t see the problem.